Embracing the discussion of death can make life more meaningful, according to experts. Many people find death a difficult topic, often shying away from conversations about it. Dr Lucy Hone, a resilience and grief researcher, suggests that our societies are largely “grief-phobic” and unfamiliar with handling sorrow.
The Roots of Our Fear of Death
Philosophy instructor Dr Todd May from Warren Wilson College believes that our discomfort with death stems from its challenge to our forward-looking outlook on life. We plan for the future, and the notion that it could end disrupts this framework.
Sister Chân Trì Nghiêm, an Australian Zen Buddhist nun, notes that the individualistic perspective prevalent in the western world, influenced by Judeo-Christian ideologies, intensifies fear through the perception of isolated existences and inevitable end-times. Conversely, Buddhist teachings view existence as a continuous cycle, blurring the boundaries of life and death, which can ease the fear of dying.
Alua Arthur, a death doula, points out that accepting mortality confronts us with our lack of control, striking at delicate egos and generating unease. Dr Luyi Kathy Zhang, a hospice doctor, adds that many lack the emotional tools to handle the distressing feelings death brings, choosing avoidance instead.
According to Dr Hone, changes in how and where people die have also influenced this fear. Historically, death occurred within the home, making it a more familiar and tangible part of life. However, from the mid-20th century onwards, hospital deaths became more common, distancing the experience of dying from everyday life.
Why Facing Death Matters
Alua Arthur emphasises the necessity of confronting death to be better prepared. Anticipating and organising the logistics surrounding death not only aids our peace of mind but also eases the responsibilities left for loved ones.
Dr Zhang advocates for planning our end-of-life care to maintain control over our final days. This process could give people agency and relieve the associated stress.
Many experts agree that contemplating mortality can enhance how we live. Dr Hone argues that awareness of life’s brevity encourages a focus on what truly matters. Zhang suggests using reflections on mortality to reassess current stresses or fears, offering a fresh perspective and potentially reducing anxiety over trivial matters.
Approaching the Topic of Death
For many, becoming comfortable with death is initiated by personal loss, leaving little room for choice. However, there are strategies to improve our tolerance, as suggested by experts like Dr Hone.
Arthur asserts that fear of death is a natural survival mechanism. Understanding and embracing it, rather than eliminating it, can liberate us from its constraints on our lives.
Practical steps, such as drafting a will or advance directive, provide a less emotional entry point into the subject. Considering hypothetical future regrets or recalling those who have passed can also be beneficial, as suggested by Hone and Zhang.
Arthur urges reviewing significant relationships to prevent regret by expressing gratitude, seeking forgiveness, or making amends while time permits.
Dr May advises maintaining a balance between living in the moment and planning for the future. Both perspectives enrich our lives, and blending them can offer a more fulfilling existence.
Reporting based on coverage first published by theguardian.com.